Another Forbidden Fruit: The Temptation of Edward Cullen Commentary
by SilJim
Summary: Just my own commentary on this horrid fic (and a little project to get some steam/writers block out of my system).
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I did not write this god awful story (thank goodness). I've always wanted to do a commentary on a horrible fic like this, and even though I think it would be extremely fun to shred "My Immortal" like many others have, admittedly I have not read any of the Harry Potter books nor plan too. I know- I know, "My Immortal" seriously has nothing to do with the actual books/movies, but again, I don't know much about the characters (and apparently, nor does Tara). Anyways, here's the first chapter with commentary. Enjoy?**

AN hey guys this is the new improved verson of my story, hope its better this time! **[A spelling error on the first sentence... hell maybe it is an improvement... a horrible, horrible improvement]** btw i am young and have dyslexia i find spellin hard but its meant2 be unformal ok! **["Unformal", meaning "informal", doesn't mean you don't have to worry about your spelling, and I kinda find it hard to believe you are dyslexic; I think that's just another one of your excuses for being "unformal"]** no critisism pls! **[Um... no. When you post your works on the wonderful interwebs, expect it to be criticized. Get some backbone and improve your writing] ** tis story goes out 2 my bf zac(kisses!) [**Really? You wrote this story for your boyfriend? For what purpose?]** amd my besfreind Tiffi LOVE YA GRRRL! EDWARD IS OUR GODD!(we wanna SEX him gud!) **[Best friends forever.]** love &blood becky mac! xxx x x xx

UPDATE: I have a proofreader **[lies]** and I have cleaned up the spelling and grammer on this chaptor a hell of a lot as you will see **[Your sentence of reassurance tells me otherwise]**(thank u vickie!) i will be imrpoving the next chaptors soon. **[I'm sure you will]**

Chapter 1 - Altantiana**[You already spelled your own character's name wrong and we haven't even began the story yet!]**

Hey, my names Atlantiana Rebekah Loren (but everyone calls me Tiana or just plain Tiaa) **[If she is called Tiana or Tiaa all the time, why not just make that her actual name? Giving her that outrageous name doesn't guarantee her to be a fan favorite or anything.]**. I am a 16 year old girl and I live in Forks, Washington! **[Radical!]** My hair is long and pale like spun gold and skims to my waist like a pale shimmering amber mist. **[Do that many similes really need to be used to describe your hair?]** My eyes are deep forgetminot **[forget me not]** blue and my delicate fentures are lilly white and pure as the winter snow in moonlight. I've been told by loads of sleazy, ugly, HORNY guys that I'm real pretty and look like a model or a bunny girl **[Because we all know that personality doesn't make a character.]** (some of the guys who like me are really old and try to make opt with me its disgusting and weird!) **[No shit. But tell me, were they really old and disgusting or REALLY old and disgusting?]** but basically a lot of the girls I meet tell a different story. They say I'm too ivory white **[ebony black]** and ethereal and too skinny and that I look anorexic which i don't care about [**Ha, I seriously doubt that]**, but I think its seriously disrespectful to people with REAL eating disorders **[D'aww, so nice to see you have feelings for other people]** (btw i'm so totally not anorexic! I eat loads I just never gain weight **[How lucky of you]** and I'm not thin enough to be anorexic anyways, I think they were just being BIATCHES especially this one ratty brain called Ellie Mayfair who I hope freaking DIES in PAIN with SHIT ON HER FACE! Sorry, I'm not really such a batch but she is SO horrible if you met her you'd think the same! **[Oh Atlantiana, you acting like this just proves that you are no better than Miss. Ratty Brain]**)

Anyways I am quite tall and slim and but with really big boobs that I used to HATE because they look noticeable on my slender body and draw to much attention but now i like them and don't care who stares at me **[...Then they must be fake Atlantiana my dear, because girls as ****skinny** **and as ****slim** **and as ****slender** **as you cannot get "really big boobs". Not to mention the fact that you just said awhile ago that you can't gain any weight. Boobs are all fat, how are you getting such big knockers if you can't store any of that fat away?]**! I have a lip ring and recently put black and indigo and magenta streaks in my long pale blond hair **[Again, physical appearance does not add depth to your character].** I smell like mint and cinnamon **[toothpaste flavors]**. I wear mostly black and hot pink, deep purple and neon blue and listen to COOL music! **[COOL music! Oh great! I was afraid that I was reading about an overtly sexist character that listened to trashy music! But thank you for clarifying that Atlantiana.]**

It is my first day at school in forks as I just moved here to live with new foster parents Dave and Marie. **[Let me guess what happened to your real family: 1) Your mother died and Dad wasn't in the picture, 2) Your parents were murdered, leaving you an orphan or 3) Your mother died and your father abused you. Let's see which one wins)** They are nice and all very hole some sweet people but it is not like having a real family. I've been hurt to many times to let people close to me and I don't talk to them very much **[I bet that's not going to stop you from allowing Edward Cullen to love you all over is it?]**. My real mom died when I was born and I never knew my real dad. **[Oh snap! The winner is answer #1!]** I sometimes wonder what he is like and if I will ever get to met him**. [Who knows baby, who knows.]** Dave gave me a ride to school and I smiled faintly as he wished me good luck and I got out of the car and went into the school. Loads of people freaking stared at me as I walked down the hall. I was wearing tight black leather pants with silver chains at the waste and a red fishnet-like top and you could see my black lacy bra through it. **[No shit they would stare at you. Wearing clothing that shows undergarments, I'm assuming it's ****all** **of your bra and not just the straps, is usually labeled under the "Inappropriate Clothing" section of the student handbook]** I ignored whispers and the big pink cheerleader imbosils pointing at me. **[Pink = Evil]** I was used to it and I paid no at-tension to the guys asking desperately for my number(like hell I'd even LOOK at the horny little donkeys!) **[Oh man, you must be so hot to have guys asking you DESPERATELY Tiaa]** and told a ditsy blond cheerleader called Jessica to STFU(!) when she called me a freak! Next time she tries anything I'll hit her in the eye cause NO ONE messes with me nemore! **[Such a badass]** My first day I was relay board, I sat gazing out of the window into the gray cloud-embittered sky for most of the morning, My teachers all looked at me disprovable but said nothing cause they probably new I was a foster kid and a Gothic and didn't want to upset me in case I cut them up as they slept,. **[... (Sigh) That would never happen Miss. Writer. While some teachers are more likely to not say anything about a short skirt or a bit of cleavage, all of them are obligated to tell a girl that her top is inappropriate if her bra is on display. If her being a foster kid and 'gothic' or whatever is a big issue they don't want to deal with, they can just send her to the school counselor who will realize that this girl is just a poser who needs serious help.]**

My ears are pierced four times, I have a tattoo of a scorpion(like S my birth-sign!) on my ankle and a Gothic cross on my shoulder**,** and on my hand i have a weird birthmark in the shape of a seven-pointed star that I've had all my life. Your probably wandering why I'm bothering to tell you this, well I tell you now I am no ordinary sixteen year old girl. I have a secret, a dark and forbidden secret witch I am only just beginning to understand. When I sleep I hear whispers in another language **[spooky]** and even though I understand them at the time, when I wake up i can't remember it! I also see weird faces in my dreams that fade to nothingness when I open my eyes and I swear out the corner of my eye my birthmark glows shocking bright gold and gets relay hot sometimes but when I look properly it is back to normal boarding scar-color! I am really gracefull like the running anti-lopes when I run very fast and am stronger and faster than most people. I used to just think i was relay athletic but now I'm not so sure, I think there might be something else at work, something so much more mysterious and eeire. The truth hovers so softly on the brink of my memory sometimes but if only i could remember the weird things that clung to the edge of my mind as I slept! **[... You done with your baffling descriptions Atlanitiana? Good]**

At lunch I sat alone in the corner and scanned the cafeteria quietly with my eyes smoldering dark blue beheath my long black lashes and my slim thighs curled under me. It was the n I noticed an unbelievably jaw-droopingly hawt HAWT HAAAAAAAAWT dude with tusseted blondey-brown hair, golden yellow eyes like wells of hot caramel and pale sexy features. **[I wonder who this guy is, I mean, I just can't fathom that much HAWT-ness]** He was tall and mussel and looked like he was wearing eyeliner and my body got hot and cold all at once as I looked at him. I'd never felt this way about anyone before and I'd totally never felt this weird feeling that I'd met someone before but I had no idea where and i knew it was impassible because I'd freaking remember someone THAT hawt! **[Yes, yes we get it Atlantiana.]** A girl sat next to him with long brown hair with her arms dripped over him like a freaking flesh-eating plant so i thought well whatevah, hes taken. She wasn't nearly as hawt as he was, she wasn't ugly though. I figured I was maybe prettier then her. **[... I thought you didn't care about shit like that Atlantiana?]** I never really saw myself as beautiful but i'd guessed from thinks others had said, plus this girl wasn't great looking **[What the fuck is wrong with you? (Lol) My God! Do you think you are beautiful Atlantiana, yes or no? Don't be such a dumbass and sit there like, "I'm not beautiful... DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME UGLY YOU BITCH, I AM GORGEOUS!"]** but anyways I'd never try to pilch with another girls' BF cause thats just low. **[I am so convinced...]** So I got up to leave the hall thinking I'd go and smoke some bald drugs in the locker room while no one was there **[Oh Tiana you are so complex and emotional!]**. As I waked over to he exit I couldn't help but notice the hawt pale guys musky eyes as they met mine. I locked away hurriedly. I smocked dope in the locker room for a bit then I wondered to my next class. I bumped into someone in the corridor and my bocks fell everywhere! FRICK! FRICK! FRIIIICKK! **[We already know you swear, so there's no point in playing modest]**

"WTF!" I screamed loudly, "watch where your FREAKING going you asshole!" (i have anger problems) **[Are your anger problems supposed to give you more dimension and make us readers believe you have problems? Try again.]**

"I'm so so sorry" he said in a voice like wet heaven **[eww]** "please forgive me my lady" **[(Lol) Why is he talking like that?]**

It was the hawt pale guy! **[Yeah, figured that much]**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: What up my peeps? Warning for the horrible sex scene in this chapter; beware the man carrots and gigglesticks. Enjoy!**

AN – VINCENT or watever ur name is thanx 4 the LAME reviw. u totall D*** no one is MAKIN u reed this fic if you dont like it then leave **[Someone's new here]**. Clestal zodiac and brittany j – thanx for the advice on my character but shes not a marysue, she's not "perfect" look she has anger problems and she looks the way she does 4 a reason i will explain it as the story goes on **[I don't know if I should get into some 'spoilers' here, but all I can say is that her looks honestly have no relevance in the future since she just seems to get hotter so... Mary Sue it is]**.

Chapter 2 – edward

The anger faded form my sapphire eyes "whatevah" i said sweatily "I didnt mean to yell and to be ride" **[Uh yeah you did]**

"thou are too beuatiful for that" he said, and for once I didnt feel like cockdropping the guy for paying me a compilement, instead I just smiled. **[What an idiot - the only reason you're accepting this compliment is because he is 'hawt'. You are no better than the 'horny donkeys' that 'desperately' ask you for your number Tiana]**

"I'm Ewdard **[Oh God...]** Cullen" he mermered "who are thee?"

"Altatntiana **[I hope they both actually just mispronounce their names to each other]** Loren but you can call me Tiana or mabye Tiaa" i said feeling shy at the way he was looking at me **[? ... nope not going to say it] **. I had seen THAT look in so many male eyes but never quite as intense or sexy! **[*groans* still not going to say it]** His eyes burned like hot gold velvet in the midday sun like peonix feathers and rainbows, so gold and magical. **[Oh my {lol)]**

"thou reminds me of bygone times" he said, carefully retching out a shaking hand and brushing my cheek "thy face is like an old painting, thou is exceptional"" **[I can't help but remain on the fact that he is comparing a wannabe goth, with full bra on display and leather pants, to a painting of bygone times] **

"your not so shanky **[Did she mean swanky?]** yourself but i couldn't help noticing you have a fricking GF, you ass! I saw u with her in the cafeteria!" I notched his hand hard with my long black nails.

"thee DID notice me then?" he purred with a sly grin. **[Dude she just brought up your gf, you think it's the time to slyly grin?]**

I was up against the wall with his face right close to me now. He wanted to sex me I could tell **[I really hate how she uses this term instead of 'fuck', it just sounds so... dumb]**, and suddenly he was kissing me **[push him off?]**! I felt like my slim legs would break in half and my heart expanded like a big balloon. I fell his hand sliding softly down my neck an underneath my top **[push, kick, scream for help?]**. He stoked my breasts for a few minutes and his man-carrot **[MAN-CARROT!]** standing in action and hard as a rock against my legs. And then he ripped my top and pulled it of me and doped it on the floor **[Tiaa just scream!]**. We made out for 10 minutes and then he tried to take of my bra but I pushed him away suddenly thinking WTF Tiaa are you just gonna let this total stranger take your cloths off in school where anyone could see you **[Yeah no kidding]**? I'd never let a guy kiss me before or touch me and suddenly I was letting this cheating sicko with a FRICKIN GF grope me just cause he was uber hawt with sexoy hair and cold as death! I was acting like a biatch and a slut and I was suddenly very ashamed of my actions. **[... Like I don't even know how to feel about this, because she acts as if what is happening is seriously shocking and bad, yet she justifies her loving it because he is so hot and sexy. (Sigh) She has no pity from me]**

-BASTARD! Never touch me again!" i gapsed

"If thou thinks thou can keep thou hands of me!" **[She told you to keep ****your** **hands off of her Edward, not vice versa] **he answered all smug, and I couldn't believe how he made me feel so angry and so aroosed at the same time. **[I can't believe it either]**

At that moment I'd never HATED anyboy more in my whole life and the worst part of it was he was SO FREAKIN HAWT I was totally creaming my panties and he NEW it, this was horible! **[You literally just said that, and please we do not need to know about the state of your panties]** I felt disguised with myself and turned to leave.

"Wait! **[Just go Tiaa, just go]** I need to speck to thee! I no your secret tiaa"he said in a quiet voce gassing into my eyes "your one of my kind. who made thee ?are you part of a coven or on thou own?

"what-is said sharply **[Woah that sentence got jacked up]** -dude your insane! And you freakin SMELL! (he didnt really smell but I didnt no what else to say!) **[... Really? That is the go to insult after he tries to take advantage of you?]**

"thy a CAMPIRE **[campfire]** tia! a VAMPIRE! BUT WHY CAN'T I READ THOU MIND? I THOUGHT BELLA WAS THE ONLY ONE BUT HERE THOU ARE! WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEEEEAN!" He punched the wall with his buckly fist and shouted suddenly furious and his eyes flickered red **[(LOL) That just cracks me up]**.

I schlepped **[o _ o?]** him hard across the face and tried to leave but he caught my waste and as I struggled and tried to hit him again he caught my hand in mid air and hammed **[not again]** me against the wall where his hand had already made a huge dint in the wall. His face was blunt and right heavy in mine. My knee came up hard against his massive throbbing gigglestick **[GIGGLESTICK!]** between his legs and he drubbed over in pan. I broke free and goaded my books and started rugging away to math, but edward hand finished with me **[eww]**.

"TIAAAAAAAAAAA NOOOOOOOOO!"he screamed after me tearing his shrit of himself in fury and throwing it over my eyes. **[... I am so confused right now]**

I lost my sight and was behind me breathing into my ears.

"i'm sorry tiaa" he wimpered sadly picking me up off the floor and gazing mutely into my eyes "i didnt mean to rut thee! I'm so contemptuos! I APOLOGIZE! THIS IS JUST SO WEIRD!" **[Yeah this is hella weird! You ripped your shirt off to cover her eyes (to calm her down?) and then picked her up and stared into her eyes, which are covered?]**

"YOUR so frickin weird you mean!" I snaped whitely as he lay on the floor so hawt and crying with his shirt off with his pippling body **[*shakes my head*]**. I wanted to forgive him for calling me a vampire(VAMPIRE! I'd heard that one before from preppy losers asking if I sleep in a coffin and suck blood like LETSAT just cause I like eyeliner and listen to Linken Park **[Really, that's why people would call you a vampire? I wear eyeliner and listen to Linkin Park, and I have never been accused of such a thing**)and making fun of me and trying to force me against the wall and maybe plunder my crevises but i didnt **[Why would you apologize to him for his own action of plundering your crevices?]**. I left him crying on the floor and went to find my class. As I entered math class i suddenly droped my bocks again as a flashing pain burned in my left hand as my brithmark glinted gold for a second (NO JOKE!)then I fell over **[Lol]**. The pain was suddenly gone and some weirdo blond freak called Eric was helping me up and staring at me like a pervo rapist **[Well, you never clarified if you put your top back on so...]**. I kicked him in the sholder (kung fu babie **[barbie]**!)as he gazed longingly after me **[He gazed like this after you kicked him?]**. In his frickin dreams. I sat down at the back of the class unable to think about anythin but my weird enconter with edward cullen, wondering what it all could mean. **[What do you mean "what it all could mean"? He just wanted to fuck your Mary Sue crevices because that's what you wanted]**

AN what do u think **[Not good things]** PLEASE R n R?.BIG SHoutout 2 my friend abigail gud luk for 2moro!)did u see i put the man-carrot thing in! **[We sure did]**) LMAO! Also love 2 tiffi & rach(and zaccibaby of corse!) LOVE U GUYZ SO MUCH!X X X beckymac x x


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: This is when I really started to hate this fic - I mean... (groan). Whatever you'll find out. Read on. Warning: Uncle Larry.**

AN – hi guys hope u like this one im quite proud of it! **[Knowing what happens in this chapter, I am confused to why she would be so proud of this]** thanx for the suport from my frends love u girls!glad u like it! **[You need some new friends girl]** oh an VINCENT ur so dumb of course tiaa didnt go to math in only her bra shes not a total ditz! **[Well, you never specified if she put back on the top Edward literally ripped off of her so...]** one more time…DONT READ IF U DNT LIKE IT! NO frickin flames what is the POINT of flamin ppl there is NO POINT so f off! **[Oh shut up you hater]**

Capter 3 – uncle larry **[- _ -]**

I sa t alone watching tv at dave and maries house. I couldnt stop thinking about my encounter with Ewdard Cullen earlier that day. He was so beuatifull and sexoy with such amazing hair and eyes I could hardly believe he had notice someone like me **[Fucking, shut up Tiana. What the hell is this fake-modesty bullshit. Like, I don't know why, but how you portray it really pisses me off]**! But I was angry at how he had made me feel, how I'd burnt like crimson hot flame wean he touched me and how he'd not listened to me when id' told him to fring off **[... YOU LIAR! You did not yell at him to get off. You made out with him and let him grope you]**, and how he dared to touch me at all when he had a GF anyways **[You were totally lovin it you idiot]**, even if she was a mean girl with an ugly heart and not that hawt **[(SCREAMS) When did we come to the conclusion that she was mean? What the hell has she done to you thus far in the story Tiaa, huh? And her being ugly/mean or whatever doesn't give you the right to fool around with Edward]**. But nomatter how much I try to hate him, I simply couldn't. Suddenly the phone range

"hello "

"hey, is that altantiana?"

"yah who is this?" I aksed.

"its Mike nooton from your class! I was wondering if your wanted to go to La Plush with me too morrow night maybe? Theres a party on the beech with whole crowd of us going and I thought you seemed relay nice **[Nice?]** so I thought maybe youd want to me my date please? -

"arent you the guy who hangs out with all the pathetic chearleaders and stuff?" I asked

"you mean bella and jessica's gang **[When did these characters suddenly become cheerleaders though?]**? Sometimes I guess but theyr'e way shallow and not as hot as you **[... Oh my God]**. And they can be mean sometimes.- **[Oh boohoo]**"

"then why do hang out white them then you shallow **[True, true - he is pretty shallow]** CREEP!and why are you askin me out when you harely no me mike **[Because you can go on a date with someone and not BE dating - he wants to get to know your wannabe-slut-ass]**! Cos u think im' hot **[That's all you got toots]**? Why cant you see your just as shallow if you want to date someone just cost of what they look like **[Isn't that the same reason you like Edward though? All you talk about is his hair and shit, you honestly know nothing about him, so you are just as bad Tiaa]** – I'm not THAT pretty anyways **[Oh fuck you]**! And even if i was, I'm SO screwed up in the bran you cant even imagine! u would no want to date me if you new how screwed up I was! **[True that, this girl is just a mess]**"

"I would, tia, beleive me I would **[Idiot]**! Your so beautiful you cant even imagine **[Nah, I'm pretty sure she can - that's what she's built for]**. Your so pretty people lose there minds when your around and forget there names and forget to brethe **[Bullshit]**! How can't you have noticed that? And I don't CARE how screwed up you are! It only maked you more interesting **[He's like those women who fall in love with serial killers]**! Your cool and different and you are honest about stuff **[The hell makes her cool? She has not done one cool thing to stand out other than show off her huge tits]**! you are right to be angry with me. I'm sorry for benign shallow and dumb just give me a chance to show you how much I care, please? " **[ugh]**

"well…ok maybe ill go along if I dont have anything else to do" i said, not believing a word he said about how pretty i was **[... Really? That's what you're going to focus on? Not the whole "you are cool and different" but the shallow bits of how pretty you are? (groan)]**.

"thank you altantiana thank you so much!" he sounded so happy I couldnt help but smile as I put the phone down but my smile faded as I return to my thoughts. Mike Nooton was kinda cute and seemed like an ok guy but he was nothing next to Ewdard Cullen **[SHALLOW]**. Even though I was anger with edward than I have ever been with anyone in my life and part of me wanted to chop his head off with a sore, a part of my soul would all ways remain in that coridoor where we had kissed so hard and passionably **[Oh yes, give your soul to such a "precious" memory]**. I creamed myself **[Yeah we know, you made that pretty disgustingly clear last chapter]**. My heart had soared that day like never before **[Didn't you say you were bored and upset the rest of the day?]**, and i new that no one else would ever make me feel like that again, then I thought how he was a cheater and a bastard and my face burnt with shame **[You are so ridiculous]**. I couldn't beleive I had behaved like such a hore **[Believe it]**. I was scared of the affect he had on me **[Dude it's not just him. You are totally responsible for your actions]**.

"bye tiaa! We'll be back on Thursday ok?" mari put her head rind the door suddenly

"Ok then, have fun" I wispered clammily..dave and marie where visiting relatives for a few day.

"you look so pretty" she says, smiling -your the prettiest gril i've ever seen!" **[Filler for this bitch's ego]**

"omg whatever" I reply. I hated it wen people say that **[Fucking liar]**. I pulled my blond hair over my face. I was wearin a short hot pink dress cut low with black lace frills at the bottom and black lace stocking. **[Yep. No girl that thinks she's ugly would wear such a sexily detailed outfit like that, right Tiana?]**

"daves brother larry will be looking after you wile where gone you'll be ok when where gone wont you tiaa? I hate to leaven you alone like this!" **[Then take her with you? She is your daughter after all]**

"i don't need a freakin babysiter u no!" i was so embarasing, I could look after myself! **[That is true though, she's like 16 right? Then again, she is "unstable"]**

Marie smiles and leaves the house. **[Bye bitch]**

"greeting a;latnaniana my names uncle larry" **[(lol) Does he introduces himself like this to everyone?]** said uncle larry, he came in threw the door he was fat and bald with tiny black eyes and a red face **[His ugliness represents the evilness of his heart]**

"Hey – i said

"your the orphan arent you" he says "is it true you kiled your mother when she gave birth to you?" **[Damn, straight to the point]**

"Wat!" I cry, my eyes filling with tears **[... *snickers*]**

"your an evil bich arent u? Go outsite and wash my car" he shouts angerly

I stood up and left to wash his car **[Really? Just like that? You complain and make a fight out of everything, but here your just like: OKAY]**. I got soap and a bucket, afraid of what he would do if I refuzed **[Oh I see - cause he's fat and ugly]**. I went outside and started to wash hush car it was a red porche. He came outside and wached me and I new he was waching me **[... Okay that's good to know]**! After a minite he came over and hit me hard across the face **[Smack her again]**

"wft!" i shouted **[Did you shout that in that exact order? WHAT FUCK THE!]**

He poored the bucket of water all over me and hit me again,. I was wet and crying and he started to rip my dress and bra of me and rip my clothes. He touched my naked breats and I try to push him off me I screamed at him to stop but he did'nt. He bent me over the bonet of his car and spanked me on the ass for half an hour then he pulled my panties down and started to rape me! "stop raping me!" I cry but he didnt stop! The pain was terrible even tough his manhood was small **[(GROAN) Okay fuck you and this detail. Like, we don't give a fuck if his manhood is small okay, rape is rape and anyone is pathetic for taking advantage of someone so vulnerable. On top of that, this whole scene really pisses me off because it is made for us to feel sorry for you, yet you have to play it out like a sexual fantasy that people have with kiny shit and etc.]**. I cryed and cryed but he didnt stop for hours and when he finally stopped he left me on the floor and spat in my face and left me there **[So we are to believe that he did ALL of this to you for HOURS, outside in the open in a neighborhood, and no one - NO ONE - reported this or anything?!]**. I pulled on my clothes and cryed madly and ran off into the seething darkness of the midnight street **[What is it with you and putting back on obviously destroyed clothes? He literally ripped everything off you, what are you wearing exactly?]**. I ran and ran un till I came to some woods and then I fell down in the woods and cryed **[*Shakes my head*]**.Suddenly a blast of white light exploded in head and my mark on my hand burned like a flame. I closed my eyes and saw the face of a tall white man looking over me with no expression, his eyes were burning red and his face glimmered cold and bright as the moon,. I fell back from the brightness of his body, his hair was dark as night,.

"atlantiana?" he whisperd in a voice softer than clouds -my daughter?-

"omg" I whisperd as my mind went blank and the world went dark.

**A/N: (Groan) If you couldn't tell, this chapter really pisses me off. I just... I don't get it okay, I'll be honest here. I really don't understand what makes people think that rape and abuse is good drama to add into a character's story. I'm not saying that we shouldn't write/read about characters that have experienced issues as serious like this, but it has to be done in a way that is beneficial to the story or portrayed in a manner that will address the issue correctly. Here, it is just placed to make us feel "sorry" for her pretty little blonde, big boobed, mentally screwed up body and as another reason for the author to tell us Atlantiana isn't "perfect" and why we would "not want to be her." (Sigh) I just... don't get it, it pisses me off, and this is my least favorite chapter because it honestly does not do anything else for the story. It's just here.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Oh this piece of shit is just getting steamier -_- **

AN = No flames pls, theres no point!if u dnt like my story dnt read it, its as simple as that! **[If you haven't guessed it by now Sherlock, no one is going to listen to you]** btw atlantiana is NOT marisue be cause look she is NOT perfect **[Yeah I am SO convinced]** and not everyone in the stiry likes her **[Yes, we know - it's just a ploy to make us feel sorry for her and potentially 'like' her]**! she has problems and she has flaws and shes UNHAPPY **[she's only unhappy because Edward wont 'sex' her]** would u like her life?i no i wouldnt, its totally tragic and horible **[oh the tragedy! I am so beautiful and non-shallow]**.u flamers arent even makin sense1 **[then we're compatable aren't we?]**

Chapter 4 – la push

I sat quitely on the la push beech apart form the party that was going on beside me **[I still can't wrap my mind around the fact the she just got raped for hours and decides to go on her date with Mike]**. Mike Nooton was following me round like a pulpy and he was so borin **[Really? This is what you're concerned about? You just got violated and spanked for HOURS]**! None of the things he had to say were interesting but I was nice to him because he wasnt a bad guy **[That's a first]**. My thoughts were elsewhere – i could'nt stop thinking about the events of last night, when uncle larry had raped me and I had had my scary vision in the forest and a tall p[ale guy in my mind had cale me his daughter **[So what exactly happened? You woke up from your black out and went home, you never went home and just slept in the forest until it was your date...?]**. I didnt understand any of I felt so so awful that I had been rapped by that hideous pervy SICKO when I had bin saving myself for the right guy and for marriage and my virginity was torn from my grasp by that twisted guy, it was so crule and unfair, it made me want to cry **[Oh fuck you and this overly long sentence! I scream bullshit to your face -Mrs. Wanna Sex with Edward, He Made Me Cream My Panties- I don't buy this for one second. It is just another touch to your ridiculous sob story like last chapters existence. You don't give a shit about virginity, all you think about is fucking Edward and why he didn't want to finish you off]**

"omg MIKE watt are you doing talkin to HER?" I turned round and saw four nasty faces learing at us. It was the chearleaders I had seen in the cafetearia, and one of them was the girl dateing Ewdard Cullen, the brown hare girl who was standing at the back looking moody but not saying anything **[Oh how I love stereotypes]**

"Stop being mean Jessica" mike said angerly "tiaas' awesome and if you can't see that its just you bein blind and shallow and stupid like your all ways are"

"yah I mean look at her clothes, she looks like a stupid goth biaach **[How dare you insult the goths like that]** with her slutty top and short skirt and fithnet tights is she a RAT HOOKER or what?" Jessica screamed. **[Rat hooker? I don't know if I should even bother Urban Dictionary-ing that]**

She was realy ugly when she shouted even though she was technology a hot chick and was dressed in skimpy pink clothes. **[Why even point out the fact that her outfit is 'skimpy'? All you do is wear 'skimpy' clothes too, no? Unless we are to believe that showing your bra blatantly through your top is modest]**

"you no what Jess, you and YOur frends are SO shallow and YOU are the real slut! you and bella and angela and laruen may were short skirts and low cut tops an stuff but that doesnt maek u beautiful! Its watt underneath that counts **[Underneath your top! OHHHH]**!" mike shouted

"yah, speakin of witch" said a sly blond girl in the gang who was called lauren, pointing at me "watts with her breasts, they are huge, I bet they are fake!- she laughed and her friends all laughed too even bella and angela who had been quiet until then. **[I don't understand why this would provoke a whole group to laugh. I mean, I guess yes they would look ridiculous on a girl so slender as Tiana, but still what's so funny? I guess it's just to back up the whole intro about Tiana in the 1st chapter: "I am quite tall and slim and but with really big boobs that I used to HATE because they look noticeable on my slender body and draw to much attention but now i like them and don't care who stares at me." So if she doesn't care anymore, how will she react?] **

I got up and pushed past them and ran away into the darkness. I cold hear them all laughing at me and i felt so embarrased I was relay sensitive about the waste I looked I hated the fact that it made all girls hate me and all guys stare at me **[Oh shut up! You are all talk and don't mean a word you say]**, I would have given anything to be ugly or just inviable **[Oh please, then how would you get Edwards attention?]**. I wasnt stuck up and didnt think I was beta than anyone else because of how I looked I just wanted people to treat me like a normal person **[You are SO stuck up Tiana, and shallow and mediocre. The only thing 'special' about you is your unproportionate body]**! I could'nt help being slim and blond with relay big boobs it wasnt my fault I hadnt done anything wrong! **[True, true it's all the writer's fault for writing you as a god-awful Mary Sue]**

-are u ok?" said someone from beside me

"who arr you?" i asked. 3 realy pretty goth girls were standing there smilin at me and I smiled back

-we are tyffani, abigaille and rochelle" they said smiling **[What do they share the same body? Why are they all speaking in unison?]** "you seem cool, do you want to be our freinds?" **[Well that was easy/very creepy]**

"ya of course, i'm just a bit meloncolly cause those horrible chearleaders were bein mean jerks and saying my boobs were fake" i said **["...now i like them and don't care who stares at me." *shakes my head*]**

"omg, u mean jessica and bellas gang? They hate us too because we dont care what they think **[I doubt you will have any real context in this story after this chapter]**" said tyfanni "they are just jealous cause youre the prettiest girl in the school now and theyre all plain next to you but we dont care about stuff like that, we only care about peoples personalities " **[You care about personalities. Okay. So, you know nothing about Tiana, NOTHING, because you just met, and you are already saying she has a good personality, but the only thing you can go on about is how pretty she looks and that she's now the prettiest girl in the ENTIRE school, and blah blah blah? Fuck you fillers for the Sue Ego]**

"cool" I said, and we talked for hours

I talked to tyfanni, rochelle and abigail for hours and they were so cool. **[REPEATED SENTENCE! WOW. Also, you guys talked for hours, but it isn't important enough to include what you talked about in the story? Hell, they would've probably just kept telling her how AMAZING she is]** I'd never had proper freinds before who didnt care watt i looked like or where I came from they just liked me for me, and I liked them cause they were uber cool and we had loads of stuff in common **[Like?]**! But after a while they all went home and I stayed on the beech. **[Well nevermind that, these friends aren't THAT important to know about]**

It was getting late but I didnt want to go home to uncle larry in case he raped me on his car again. Soddenly I heard a voice from behind me. **[She has the attention span of a gnat - Rape - Oh Edward!]**

"well tiaa, thou seem to be causing quite a stir at school" his voice was smooth and sexoy and from another time.

Edward.

"what do you mean!" I demanded

"basically every gay at school wants to have sex with thee **[In either scenario, it's just a boost to her Sue Ego]**, and every girl wants to eat thee alive for it, hows that for causing a stir my lady?" he smiled and kissed my neck. **[What a douchebag, just perfect for her!]**

"shut up jerk! Btw I met youre girlfriend before, bella I think her name is **[Why do you say 'think'? For the past chapters you've known]**! I dont like her or anything, but how the hell can u cheat on her like that and kiss me how u did? Its sick ur a cheatin bastard and i should tell everyone **[Then why don't you/haven't you? Plus, you were totally into the cheating Tiaa]**. Tyfanni told me you and bella are like the schools golden couple or something, watt would happen if I told ppl how you had acted in that corridoor with me?" **[I bet they would just blame you so it could give you more of a reason to monologue about how every girl hates you and all the guys want to fuck you]**

"OMG SWEET LADY **[LOL]**! THY MUST NOT TELL ANYONE! " he screamed "it was a moment of madness thats all! Im so so sorry for watt happened,i hope thine can forgive me, but ive promised myself to bella and thats just how it is, no matter how much thou intrests me" **[Dude, are you serious? What are you a mindless beast?... Maybe, but come on! You can control your actions bro! Just avoid her, don't meet up with your 'temptation' in the middle of nowhere and be all kissing her and shit and then be like: Oh! I can't!]**

"fine, then stay away from me " I shouted as I left to go home but he followed me and grabbed me and pushed me down on the grind **[Oh like any of you really give a shit about Bella!]**. I was burning with anger and fury but I wanted him so deafly i didnt even try to resist him **["I had bin saving myself for the right guy and for marriage." BULL SHIT!]** He new how much i wanted him and it drove me mad. He put his hands inside my panties and i gasped. I was soddenly desperate to sex with him and i tore my clothes off and i was in my underwear **["I'd never try to pilch with another girls' BF cause thats just low"]**. I took off my bra and showed him my naked heaving beasts. **[*rolls eyes*]**

"have sex with me now edward " I whispered

" i cant " he said, although his body was on top of mine and his fingers touched my nipples **[... She literally just got RAPED FOR HOURS last chapter and she wants to fuck the next day. She doesn't give a shit about anything except how pretty she is]**

"please, i'm begging you" I said, hating myself for being such a dirty hore but unable to control my burning desire **[You should hate yourself Tiana, you really should]**

-NOOOO!" he shouted and ran away crying. **[Oh what a man he is, all of a sudden sensitive and shit. Isn't he amazing Tiaa?]**

I put my clothes back on slowly feeling so ashamed and embarased i could hardly move **[You could hardly move? Then how did you put your clothes back on?]**. I could'nt beleive i had begged him to do sex on me and even worse he had said no! **[Oh no! He said no! It's not like he has a girlfriend that he's promised himself too or anything. Nothing could be worse than him, you know, being FAITHFUL]**

I went home and uncle larry made me cook his dinner and suck his cock while he ate his food and then he raped me and hit me with a shoe all night and i didnt even complain cos i felt like i deserved it for being such a horrible slut even though it made me want to die inside. Uncle larry finally left me alone and I thought about killing myself as i cryed and cryed as i fell slowly into a dreamless sleep. **[(Groan) you say this so casually, because yes it doesn't mean anything, we all know it. Like I said before, I really don't get how putting your characters through rape is a 'way' to make them more likeable/charming - ESPECIALLY LIKE THIS]**

**A/N: Oh finally this chapter is done! I remember the first time I read it I was like: Why are you begging for sex? Wouldn't your ass be super raw today? *shakes my head* I give the writer too much hope. **


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Oh how I love recurring Sue-themed plot points - like this unnecessary chapter to feed the Sue Ego. **

AN – can i have some reveiws pls **[Won't you just bitch about them though?]**

Chapter 5 – the talent contest **[Obviously an important part to this story's 'plot']**

It was a week later and I felt like I was slowly dying inside. **[Oh really?]** My life had crumbled into pieces and I was alone in the horrible darkness of my mind. the four chearleaders had folowed me a round school and been mean to me for the last week making fun of my clothes and my purple streaked blond hair and saying i was too slim and that i had boobs like a pron star **[Swell job convincing us that you were so hardcore and badass in the first chapter Tiaa, really pulling through. I still don't get why the main focus of your bullying has to center around your boobs]**. It relay upset me. and also uncle larry had taken my clothed off and rapped me loads of times last week and even though dave and marie were back home now every time they went out to different places they left me with him and he hit me and made me sleep with was so horrible I wanted to die every time it happened **[... Why don't you tell them what is going on so they won't leave you with him? Why don't you tell the police, a teacher, hell, even Edward? I love how you can take rape so casual by saying "loads of times," as if it was just homework or something]**. Edward Culen stared at me whenever he saw me at school but i just anchored him and pretended he wasnt there i was so embaresed about watt had hapenned and I hated him for the way he made me feel and the fact that he was a cheater and an ass **[You can put the blame on him all you want, but you have been totally complying with this cheating. You talk about how wrong it is of him, yet you beg him for sex]**. I would probably have ended my life that week if it hadnt been for my lovley new freinds abbigaille rochelle and tyfanni **[Oh how lovely!]**, who were all totally cool and helped me fight off the evil chearleaders **[Oh my word, the evil cheerleaders and their pink, preppy evilness are too much for Tiana to handle]** – i hadnt told my freinds aboit uncle larry and ewdard but it was nice to have some peopel who liked me anyways **[I am confused by this sentence; she didn't tell them because, what, they wouldn't like her anymore? Where's the logic in that?]**. I sat in the cafeteira with them at lunch

"hey tiana are you doing the talent contest tonite?" rochelle asked me

"no way im not good enough!" i said shyly **[Ever so shyly with an exclamation point!]**

"omfg are you kidding! yor a AMAZIN singer your the best iv'e ever heard, no joke!" shouted Abigail **[Shut the fuck up Abigail, don't encourage this nonsense]**

"thank you but your just being nice, im' not THAT good an even if i was i wouldn't perform. I mean i hardly want to contract more attension to myself than i already have **[LIES]**, the whole school is all ready talking about me saying watt a freak i am **[Is freak really the right word? I think 'slut' and 'huge tits' would be better identifiers]**. I just wanna be an average person" **[Pfft- yeah so you say]**

"come on tiaa you HAVE to do it!" tyffanie said, "jessica and bella and the chearleaders win every time with there dumb dance routine it is so annoying **[Jingle Bell Rock?]**, they arent even talented someone needs to teach them a lesson hun!"

"I dunno maybe" I plimpled mutely but I had no intension of actually doin it. **[-_-]**

Later on me and my freinds sat in the crowd and wached the contest. The chearleaders did there dance ruotine and they werent that awesome **[You shouldn't judge people Tiaa, that's what you don't want done to you]**, they were just wearing slutty cloths **[You should have joined their group]** so all the guys could stare at them and cause they were popular no one was allowed to say they sucked **[The fuck kind of logic is that? Teachers can say if they suck or not, usually they're the ones in charge of voting and organizing such an event]**. At the end bella ran into edwards arms and I felt flames of jelusy burning up inside me. they kissed for a long time and although he looked at me the whole time i still wanted to cry and scream. **[I'd scream in disgust, not in petty "WHY CAN'T HE BE MINE!"]**

The principal caked **[what?]** up on the stage and said "and now for our final act…atlantiana rebeckah loren!" everyone looked at me and I was shocked

"omfg who put my fringing name down for this!" I screamed

"who knows girl just get up there !" abbie pushed me towards the stage and I went up there.

I sang total eclipse of the heart (punkrock verson so it wasnt sappy and lame or anythin!0 **[You singing a punk-rock version of it doesn't make it any better]** and everyone watched me. I was embarased at first but everyone semed to be enjoying themselves (exept the chearleaders who looked totally mad!LOL) **[LOL indeed]** so I sang louder and louder and my voice soared higher than ever was like magic. I was waering a purple lacy top cut low enough that you could see my bra and a black skirt and purple fishnets and spiky black heels **[See? You could have totally danced Jingle Bell Rock with the evil cheerleaders! All you girls and your slutty clothes]**. the song finished and everyone looked happy and clangled **[WHAT?]** at me and i went blushing to sit on my friends

"remind me to kill wichever one of you beeches put my name down for this!-" i said but i was smiling

"LOL" shouted rochelle "it wasnt us you no!" **[Remember folks, these girls are totally goth]**

"and the winner is…ATLANTIANA REBECKAH LOREN! **[Well gee, that was a quick deliberation - I didn't expect this at all!]** " the principal screamed extatically. I went back up onto the stage and shock his hand and everyone appladed me and screamed my name except for jessica and bella who looked like they were about to kill me, lmfao. My eyes strayed to where edward stood gazing baldly at me. I all most fainted right then at the sight of him looking so hawt and gorgeous **[(Groan) You and your affections towards this guy are so bipolar - he's an ass and cheater, but damn he is just too gorgeous to hate, sex me]**. I dnt think anyone else had noticed but he had a MASSIVE erection it was so hawt and sexoy **[I didn't get the memo that MASSIVE erections were the epitome or sexyness, and apparently unnoticeable (Bella can't see it?)]**. I saw bella and jessica storming out of the room angry that i had won, and I smiled.

Later on i walked home happily, then a car purred **[meow]** up beside me. It was ewdard!

"get in the car i'll drive thee home sweet lady" he said in his beautiful old fashioned speech **[Oh yes, how authentic of him]**. I did as he told me without knowing were quiet for a minite

"you were awesome tonight, you have a stunning voice like silk and satin in the moonlight **[... I got nothing...]**. You looked beyond beautiful up on that stage, like an old painting in a church **[Name me a painting, featured in a church, that contains a girl in a low cut top, mini skirt, and spikey boots, please]**. i wanted to charge right at u and kiss thine lips right there" he still had a huge erection and i wanted to touch it so badly but i didnt. **[Jeezus Christ Tiaa! You are quite the little, horny donkey yourself]**

"i think BELLA might have had somethin to say about that!" **[Oh shut the fuck up and suck him off already -_-]** i snapped "where is she neway?"

"at home sulking cause she lost the contest and had a total hissy fit and cryed for hours because thee was better than her in the contest" **[Well geez Edward, you cheat on her and don't comfort her when she's crying, you should really just dump her already]**

"how mature" I said sacastically. **[I don't think you're one to talk Tiaa]** At that moment edward pulled his car to the side of the road and looked me in the **[(lol) okay just end that there]** touched my hand and I slapped him hard in the face **[Bwahaha great]**

'YOU WILL NEVER TOUCHE ME AGAIN U SICKO!" **[BUT I CAN TOUCH YOUR MASSIVE ERECTIONS ALL I WANT!] **I wailed and kept hitting him in the face and chest "last week I fuckin BEGGED u to sex on me and you turned me down! I have never been so humilated in all my frickin LIFE! **[Really? Being turned down by a "cheater" and "ass" is the most humiliating thing to you? Getting spanked and hit with a shoe didn't cut the list?]** Watt the hell is wong with u? One mimite your all over me and the next its like i dnt even exist! **[You do the exact same thing with him! You can't decide on your own feelings- y'all are just sending fucked up mixed signals to each other]** dnt fuckin touch me. EVERR!"

"its complecated tiaa my lady. **[No it's not, you're just too much of a pussy to end it with Bella]** Im sorry i hurt thine feelings. Its just i cant resist thee, but i cant be with thy either. I never ment to drag thou into this mess, its not thee fault i totally ruin everything. Im so SO SORRY. IM DESPISABLE!" **[Okay, it's not all your fault, she's in control of her actions too. She KNOWS you have a girlfriend, and you KNOW she's a bitch in heat]**

"its me or her "i said bluntly **[This should have been stated in Chapter 2]**

"i cant make that choice tiaa – he wept

"you are going to have to!"

"first thee have to tell me who thou relay are!" he said "who were thy parents?what are thee?" **[(LOL) I love how when they first meet, barely sharing any dialogue, he's all getting hard and wanting to fuck her, but when it comes to ****seriously** **choosing her over Bella, then he has to know about her parents and "who she is"]**

"my mom dies when I was bored, I never new my father. Thats it." i said **[Wow, that wasn't vague or anything]**

"we BOTH no thats not the full story. Your a vampire, like me"

-omfg i'm NOT a frickin vampire! I think id have noticed u total dipshit"

"you don't drink human blood"- he asked

"i dont drink any blood u asshole. Is this ur idea of a joke, cos no ones laughing!" i got out of the car and ran away feeling insulted.i didnt want to see that stupid hawt jerk ever again! I went home. But i couldnt get rid of the memory of his sharp erection **[0_o]** and deadly cold body. i cut myself and went to sleep in tears. **[-_- No more, please]**

**A/N: This fic is just a mess, like I know I shouldn't be soo surprised, but really, c'mon now. This ridiculous back and forth between both characters is just... retarded. I know people who have been like this before though, that's the scary thing. Girls that are all: I wouldn't sleep with her boyfriend, yet they obviously put themselves in positions that strike the proposal and then the guy is a total idiot and allows himself to just fall for it and then be like: No this isn't right! UGH - I weep for the future.**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Ugh my skull... Read on.**

AN – dnt all just attack me for the things writen in this chapter about Tiaas parents, i havent explaned everything yet an it will make more sense later. **[Okay first off you are setting yourself up for attacks; you are literally IN CONTROL of what is written in this god awful fic, so yes the blame will be ALL on you. None of this story makes sense, so why would we expect more of the lame back-story?]**

Chapter 6 – the curse **[called: Mary Sue]**

-Oh ewdard with your skin so white

Your eyes like amber out of sight

Pale angel in my eyes

Hair like gold rosy sunrise-

I read the words of my poem **[Oh that's what that is?]** out quietly. I had written a poem about Edward, i just couldnt help myself. I hated myself for doing it but i couldnt get him out of my mind and it was the only way i could deal with my feelings. **[That short stanza is totally irrelevant to your feelings, you're just rhyming about how HAWT he is]** Soddenly my mind went black and i felt into a trance. A tall pale man stood in front of me all ghosty and misty like he was only half there. **[Here we go = A =]**

"my daugher? My daughter?" he moaned

"who are you?" i wispa quietly

"i am your FATHER! **[WELL DAMN!]** I AM CAIUS FROM THE VOLTURI! Your in terror and peril **[In terror and peril? That is so horribly written]** my daugher! Beware the vampire boy called edward!"

"why?" I said **[Because he's a cheating ass and he won't sex on you]**

"you mussent let him sex you **[OH GOD this phrase -_-]** or the curse your mother tried to protect you from will fall on you…you'll become a VAMPIRE! **[... So let me get this straight: Tiana's mother placed a "protection" on Tiana, so some curse having to do with fucking a vampire would not turn her into a vampire? ... So he clearly calls out Edward here, did Tiana's mother have the power to see the future and knew it would be Edward or is he called out because he is the most convenient vampire fuck-toy in Tiana's retarded life (currently)? Hell, Tiana could totally fuck a another vampire dick, it sounds like something she'd do to get Edward's attention]** And you will never be safe! Only as a human can you be safe from them…"

then he faded and I was awake and uncle larry was standing at my door. **[This can only mean one thing!]**

"take ur clothes off now you moldy slut!" said uncle larry and he smiles horribly with his yellow teeth **[Bwahaha, she's molding due to all that creaming in her panties]**

"no i wont" i screamed but uncle larry came over and hit me. I was strong for my size but he was a huge fat man like 300 pounds in weight and stronger than me. **[Aren't you super fast? Hell, even if you can't win you can at least try and fight him off! Jeez Tiaa, you fucktard]** He took my clothes off and chained me to the bed. **[What were you prepared for this Tiaa, why are there conveniently placed chains in your room?]** I new he was going to rape me again. **[Oh no way, I thought he just wanted to chain you down naked for fun]** But at that moment someone came running into the room and hit uncle larry across the head with a stick and knocks him out cold. **[A stick, really?]** Uncle larry laid there bleeding and i looked up at…EDWARD!

"omg my sweet lady" he cried! "what has this frightful asshole been doing to thee?"

"he's been raping me and hitting me" i weeped sadly as edward unchained me and i put my clothes on. **[Why are you putting your clothes on? We all know where this is leading]** Edward turned away whale I dressed so he wasnt perving on me, **[Jeez, Edward has no respect for you at all. He knows what was happening, yet he's still going to perv on you?]** and he looked down at the poem I had wroten.

"for truth!these are the most beautiful words I have ever seen, it makes me feel so very moved" he cried "i wish i wasnt promised to someone else then i could write poems for thee" **[Her "poem" is shit Edward] **

"why are u promised to bella anyways" i ask

"Be cause i made a promise and i cant' break it, it would be rude and ungentalmanly. **[... MOTHERFUCKER YOU ARE NO GENTLEMAN. You literally took one look at this girl and decided to make out with her and grope her at school. Then proceeded to almost have sex with her and make statements about "how I wish I could be with you, but I have a girlfriend BOO-FREAKING-HOO!" FUCK YOU AND THIS BITCH]** Bella never used to be like she is now,when i fist met her she was sweet and shy and was never nasty about everybody but she has changed and so have her freinds. **[So why not confront her one-on-one, and then from there decide if you two should break up?]** I dont know watt made her change, maybe it is mine fault, she just seems angry all the time now."

"Yah that makes sense I guess" i said. **[In what world does ANY of this make sense? There are so many better ways to handling this then cheating]**

We left the house and went to walk in the woods. We talked about loads of things and it turned out we had a lot in comnon. We liked all the same music and movies and books and stuff, it was like magic. **[... I love how this statement is made towards the end of the fic. The only reason she likes this guy so much is because she's a shallow bitch, interests and personalities don't matter, hell, his family isn't even a concern to her! Nope, all that matters is that he's hawt, gets erections like crazy, and is convenient to fuck around with]**

"you know maybe bella is unhappy be cause you guys are not in love like u used to be, and u should brake up with her so she can move on and your can both be happy" i say **["But first can you sex me? I mean, it's not THAT important that she's happy, I want you to be happy... sexing me."]**

"she all ways used to say that shed kill herself if I left her. I could not be responsable for her death! **[Dude, that is NOT your responsibility. One of my childhood friends pulled this on her boyfriend twice, and actually threw herself off of her third story apartment building. Her boyfriend said the same thing "I didn't want to be responsible for her death." Him pretending to act like everything was okay and saying he "loved her" was not helpful, nor smart. An adult, a doctor, a police officer, someone, needs to get this person under control and in a safe environment] **I just don't get what has happened to her she used to be nice and sweet like thou my lady. **[Tiaa is nice and sweet? Since when?]** And now i am falling in love with thou and it is all such a darn mess!" He hit a tree in frustration and it broke. He was so strong, i guess cause he was a vampire. **[... YOU KNOW HE IS DIPSHIT, YOUR FATHER LITERALLY TOLD YOU THIS EARLIER]**

"your falling in love with me?" i ask, my cheeks going all red and my heart starting to sore **[Aw how gross. Hasn't he said this before?]**

"omg, forget I said that!" he looked relay embarassed and it was so cute. He had a big erection too. **[... Okay, I've had it with Edward and his erections - that is something I never thought I would have to say]**

I retched out and grabbed his hard throbbing male object. **[-_-*]** We couldn't controll ourselves any more and we both fell down on the floor and got naked and made love **[Notice here how she says "made love" instead of "he sexed me" - it's suppose to be meaningful and romantic]**. It was amazing and lasted hours **[Uhh...?]** and I had never been so happy in my life i felt like i coud die with happines. **[Oh then please drop dead you twat]** But after a while edward started to freak out and cry. **[Shouldn't that be you Tiaa? I mean, you've been getting raped since chapter 3, and Edward has no sensitivity towards this fact either because he doesn't mind fucking you all carnal in the woods. Does none of this ever occur to you?]**

"I HAVE BEEN SUCH A FOOL!" he screamed "i should not have let that hapen! I hope thee can forgive me, i must return to Bella!" and he ran away. **[... (groan)]**

I could not believe it. It was like my world was caving in all about me. **[Like, are you really that surprised Tiaa? It happens EVERY time, and yet it's a BIG DAMN SHOCK!]** i was so socked and angry i could not even cry or scream. **[So what you just laid there naked like an emotionless plank?]** But as i lay there i started to fell diferent, like RELAY diferent. I suddenly remembed watt my father had said to me about not making sex with edward or he woud turn me into a vampire! My skin was getting all hard **[Hard?]** and pale **[You've already established that you're pale before]** and my eyes could suddenly see a lot clearer than before! I could hear lots of little noises even form relay far away. I even wanted to drink blood! and i could smell a human comin closer, he was almost here

"There you are you horrid SLUG" it was uncle larry "where have u been? I'm goin to rape u now!" **[That's his new catchphrase guys]**

Something in me snaped. I jumped at him and broke his neck and drank his blood! i had always ben strong for my size but now i was SUPER strong! **[... : "I was strong for my size but he was a huge fat man like 300 pounds in weight and stronger than me." So what? This new revelation is irrelevant because you don't do anything to protect yourselves from rapists] **He looked so surprised and it was so GOOD! **[You broke his neck, why does he NOW look surprised?]** Soon i dropped him on the floor and he was…dead! **[You dropped him on the floor? You were carrying him while you drank him?]**

**A/N: Two more chapters and this piece of shit is done. Oh god, the next chapter *cringes***


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Just one more chapter after this! No for reals, this fic is only 8 chapters (it feels so much longer -_-). I swore a lot more than I thought I would in this chapter - oops.**

thanx for the revews! **[Alright, which of you bastards gave this fic reviews?]**

Chapter 7 - Surprises! **[It sounds so cheerful compared to the other chapters]**

I woke up sheepishly **[BAAAH]** and wandered where I was for a minute. I got out of bed, wandering if all the things that had hapened to me last night were just a dream **[Well lets see, are you walking funny?]**. I went downstairs for breakfast and sat down with Dave and Marie. THey look at me and smiles adoringly. **[I can already tell where this is going]**

"wow tiaa i love your new hair and contat lenses, your look so beautiful!" said marie with her face all bright and happiness. **[I don't trust Marie, she's almost TOO happy compared to everyone else in the story]**

I got up and look in a mirror. Holly shite! **[shnikies]** I looked totally diffrent! **[Oh I can't wait to hear this. Wouldn't it be funny if it wasn't a good different though, but like a BAD different. Like her boobs deflated or something]** For the first time I could see my face was truely beautiful, it was even prettier than before. **[Oh this stupid sentence. 1) Truly beautiful my ass, and 2) "Even prettier than before." See, you stated it right there, you were hot and now you're hotter, so enough of the modesty "I'm not that pretty" bull shit]** My eyes were a weird silver color like wet pools of noble **[umm]** moonlight in distant medows,and my ivory gold hair seemed to shimmer like the suns burned rays in the morning, **[err]** with the purple streaks shining like neon lilac **[Your color descriptions would not even make it for the ridiculous names of nail polish colors]**. I was radiant and magical and looked awesome. **[For some reason this sentence reminds me of **_**My Little Pony**_**]** My skin was even more pale than before **[I wish this adoration of paleness was reversed; like she'd instead be all: I WAS SO TAN! OMG I WAS LIKE SOOOO TAN NOW]** and my features more delicate and queen-like, my nose was small and dashing and my cheeks were high **[her fucking bones re-arranged themselves on her face to make her hotter]** and pale and my chin was soft but majestic **[I can't picture any of this correctly - if someone would like to sketch this please send me the pic]**. I was amazed. Suddenly the phone rang and nuked me out of my silent staring **[haha, Tiaa's so full of Sue Ego that she creeps on herself]**. Dave answered it.

"what? oh my god! Your kidding! This is inconsideratable!" **[What happened to this word? Was it supposed to be "inconsiderate" and/or "understandable"? None make sense with the sentence anyway, but still, what the hell is this?]** and he hung up

"whats happened honey?" Marie asked smiling **[I told you you can't trust her. I wonder if she'd be all smiles if she knew her daughter was getting raped because they kept leaving her alone]**

"uncle larry is died, **[face is sad]** it looks like he was ripped apart by a wild beast **[that drained his blood like a vampire, but that could just be a coincidence]**! I feel so sad! he was my brother" **[My brother named Uncle Larry!]**

I suddenly remembered what I had done, and i screamed and ran to school **[LOL that's not suspicious or anything]**. I felt so awful and giulty for what I had done! I new uncle larry was a perv and a rasist **[Um excuse me, when did this character trait develop?]** and even thou he had raped me and tied me up and spanked me and made my life hell I still shoudnt have killed him **[While I don't agree with murder, I mean in all honesty, it was out of self defence, no? Or are you trying to project yourself as a beautiful, forgiving soul to us readers?]**! I was going to explode with guilt. i ran through the forest towards the school but suddenly a large thing appeared in front of me. it was a bear - a big panda bear! **[...]** it was huge and fluffy and realy cute, but I was scared as this was a totally weird thing to happen. **[Yeah... no kidding]**

"greetings atlantaina!" it said - i was totally freaked out - since when did panda bears live in Forks? And since when did they SPEAK? I was totally confused **[And why does it know your name? And why the hell is this relevant at all to the plot?]**

"WTF?" i screamed!

"I'm a panda bear, my name is Snooflanti-tatuna **[Oh great, does it have a Sue Ego too? Because that name... I'm surprised the writer didn't name you that Atlantiana]** but you can call me Snoofles." **[Oh God.]**

"A talking PANDA BEAR?" i shouted furiusly

"I cannot talk like humans can, but your not human anymore so you can understand me. You can talk to animals. You probably have other powers too you just don't know it yet" **[You're like a Disney Princess, but much more sexist and 1-dimensional]**

"like watt?" i said

"I dunno, touch that tree" said Snoofles, smiling at me. I touched the tree and consentrated hard and even though it was winter **[Um, it's winter? You've spent last chapters running in the woods and at the beach] **the tree suddenly started to bloom huge bunches of flowers. The flowers cascadad down like a river onto the bare forest floor. i took my hand away in horror. **[Flowers are pink and too preppy, it burns]** The flowers were so beautiful they made me think of edward. then i remembered how he had left me after we had made love, and i became angry. I touched another tree and it burst into flames. It was as if the trees turned into things that somehow reflected how I was feeling! **[*sigh* -_- ]**

"OMG, how is this possible?" i said **[Oh yes, please tell us Snoofles]**

"Don't ask me I'm just a panda, lol" **[Pure gold right there folks]** said Snoofles with a big grin and he raised his eyebows,"but I'm so happy to find a person who can understand my speaking! i al; ways wanted a human friend! will you be my human friend?"

"well yah ok" i said, "but i have to go to school now so I'll see you later Snoofles ok?"

"that's cool" said Snoofles "i'll see you later" **[Aw, Snoofles is so chill and understanding]**

I ran away and was totaly weirded out by my meeting with Snoofles. I was almost in a trance at school and even though people starred at me and made coments about my new apperance I had never cared less. **[Oh my, it's Chapter 1 again]**

in gym class I ran around dressed in my gym clothes **[Well that's good to know, I was afraid you were running laps naked]**. i was playing dodgball and the cleerleaders kept throwing there balls at me realy hard **[hahaha]** like biaches but i was dodging them at the speed of light. Lauren came over to me and tries to hit me over the face with her balls **[HAHAHA]** and I slapped her in the face. **[Oh snap!]**

"WTF you freaky goth tudor bitch!" she shouted with her ugly face flapping like a big bag **[Tudor? Flapping, big bag? What are these stupid insults?]**

"leave me alone yeah?" i said looking more beautiful than ever **[(LOL) The fuck does this have to do with anything!? I'd love to see this sentence used for a character I actually care about, like Loki or something; "Leave me alone, aye?" Loki said to Thor, looking more beautiful than ever.]**

"no - ill never leave u alone becase your so werid! what has hapened to your face its like your from another planet, your so pale and delicate its freaking everyone out and we all hate you!" **[Maybe Lauren's the racist one, why is she so offended by paleness?]**

I was so mad i pushed her but when my hands touched her arms her skin started to blister and froth in a totally gross way and she got struck by a bolt of lightning. She wasnt dead or anything but she looked totally disgusting and she got taken to the hospital. **[Um... damn Tiaa]**

I didnt look for my friends and after gym class I sat in the changing rooms after everyone has left and cried becase I felt so sorry for watt I had done to uncle larry and to lauren. **[Well yeah you should feel guilty for Lauren, that was just dumb and unnecessary]** I was sat there wearing a very short leather mini-dress and red ripped tights and a skull necklace and a gothic top hat with feathers on it **[Okay, I'm all for hats (especially theatrical top hats), but why would you wear such a thing in an 'emotional' scene like this?]**. Suddenly I heard a voices from behind me

"Tiaa? Tiaa? It is I Edward Cullen!" said edward. **[I think she can tell dumb ass]** i turned to kook at him and he gasped in a high piched way and fell over onto the floor **[Bwahaha, how manly]**. I was mad at him and totaly upset about other stuff so i didnt check to see if he was ok. He got up in a minute. **[Oh thank God he's okay. We have a stupid "I hate you, sex me" scene to get to]**

"I fainted Tiaa, **[YES we know!]** thou is so sexy and exqisite i lost my contentioness. Thy face is even more sacred and filled with shinning glory than before, I am amazed" but then he noticed I was crying tears of soft blood **[Um since when were your a blood-crier Tiaa?]** and he said "what is wrong with thee?" said Edward **[Ah redundancy]**

"I killed someone Ewadrd! I killed my uncle and drank his blood and I think I made lauren get stuck by lightning" **[You don't think, you KNOW]**

"its ok Tiaa he was evil and noone cares about lauren" Edward says to comfort me and he put his arms round me **[Aw what a sweetie, I guess Lauren's family just don't care]**

"still watt i did was awfull and anyways GET OFF ME!" i stood up and shock him off me "dont come near me ever again! I havent forgiven you for whatt happened last night! We did sex and you left me there in the forest!" **[This is the second time he's done this to you Tiaa, don't be so surprised]**

"I'm sorry! I cannot stay away from thee and yet I cannot be with thee either" he cried and threw his hands up and weeped **[Can this just be the title of the story, please? That's all it's about anyway. Call it "Forbidden Fruit: Sex Me, Yet I Cannot Be With Thee... Though I Cannot Stay Away From Thee Either"]**

"make your mind up Ewdard! this is a serious thing! Ether stay here with me now and screw me and be with me forrever or leave and go be with Bella! Make youre choice right now!" **[The end of the previous chapter was literally dedicated to this shit and you got your answer: Edward is a pussy that can't own up to his cheating ways, so instead he fucks (or almost-fucks) you and runs away crying. That's it. End. Of. Story. Oh and in regards to the "screw me and be with me forever": Many teenagers/teenage couples that sleep with one another usually don't last forever, sorry but it's kinda a fact. Edward has already proven this, he literally left you, so turn your brain on and think]**

"I choose thee Atlantnina! Bella is a big mean cow **[A cow? Like, is that supposed to be an insulting animal or are you just calling her fat?]** and I cant be with her anymore! I will never leave thou side again my lovley damsell!"

He started to cry and I kissed him. He was so amazing. **[NO. HE. IS. NOT.]** His yellow eyes and tussled aubon hair and pale skin made me want to screw him all the time, I'd never seen anybody look so perfect. **[Fuck it- I'm just gonna wait for this to be done]** I took off my dress so I was only wearing my underwear and i sat on his knee and we kissed a lot. He touched me all over and I felt dizzy and week.

"Do you mean it edward? You'll be mine forrever?"

"I does, i shall be thy mate" he said beautifully in his smooth hot velvet voice

I found some handcuffs on a bench **[This is some kinky gym class]** and I tied him to a hook. he was unable to move and i took his pants down and looked at his throbbing lavender man-fruit thing **[... What is it dead? I want whoever is reading this to google an image of "Prometheus worm" because that is the image I get when she's blowing him]**. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I put it in my mouth and sucked it and he thrusted madly untill he had an orgasm in my mouth. The hot juice flowered in my mouth and it was magical. **[This chapter is too magical for me -_-] **Sodenly a voice came from behind me

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING YOU EVIL RODENT PEOPLE? I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU BOTH AND NOW I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF!"

It was Bella Swan! **[!]**

**A/N: So Bella finally gets a line in the story; and wow she's just as bad at giving insults as Tiaa and Edward. I love this "build up" to Bella - like we insult her and call her evil, angry cow, blah blah blah, when in fact isn't she just being a girlfriend? Her boyfriend is cheating on her with a chick he's barely met, and Tiaa is oh so surprised that this would make her upset. Well honestly, no one really knows what's going on with Bella; we just rely on Edward's stupid statements. Oh well, evil rodent people blowing one another it is. For real though, look up that pic from **_**Prometheus**_ **(it's gross lol). Final chapter after this: Yeah! **


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